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How does pain affect your independence? Do you push yourself too hard? Do you hide the fact that you're in pain? Is it hard to ask for help?
I was invited to address these questions, along with several other people who blog about pain, by How To Cope With Pain. To see all the other posts, go to the How to Cope with Pain blog.
Living with chronic migraines has been an exercise in retreat from independence. I have lost my livelihood and identity to migraines, forcing me to re-examine my life plan and accept my new reality.I always wanted to be a lawyer. Though I explored other options during college, when I reached my final year, I applied to law schools knowing it was the right choice for me.
I went straight from undergrad to law school and gave 100% of my effort to my legal education. I did well academically and passed the bar on my first shot. A few weeks after the bar, I landed my dream job. I smugly thought things had fallen perfectly into place.
However, life had other plans for me. Almost immediately upon starting my job in the fall of 2003, my once sporadic migraines became increasingly frequent and debilitating.
Eight months ago, I lost my job and stopped practicing law because of my chronic migraines. In that moment, I went from the autonomous position of financially supporting myself, and even occasionally traveling and shopping, to complete reliance on my husband and family to keep my head above water.
The loss of autonomy probably has not been as difficult as losing my sense of myself. I strongly identified myself by and through my career and status as a lawyer. I was proud of my accomplishments, and I liked how it felt to be able to say I was a lawyer. The indignity of my situation led me to believe I was done with law as a career. I'm just now, through therapy, regaining enough confidence to put myself back out there and even call myself a lawyer without feeling like a fraud.
I know this adversity has taught me a lot about myself and shaped the woman I am today, but I believe I've paid too high a price for this exercise in character development. For now I'm in a tense holding pattern. However, for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful that I may be able to put the pieces of my life and my career back together and, eventually, feel more pride in myself than shame. Regaining my autonomy will be the key.
Technorati Tags: blogs, pain, depression, migraines, chronic illness, health, somebody heal me
6 comments:
Thanks for such an honest post. When I got sick and thought I'd learned ENOUGH about disability, my pain disorder had other ideas, and I continued to be impaired for years.
Another friend said to me though that we don't often learn as much, as quickly, from easy experiences. Good luck and thanks for participating in the carnival.
I totally relate to what you said about losing sense of self-because I never wanted to be thought of as sick, I defined myself by my achievements and accolades, and when I couldn't do that, I experienced a profound sense of loss, too. All I can say is that eventually, you find new ways to identify that are different but no less worthwhile or productive. Good luck!
I'm sad to hear you've had to put your career on hold through this migraine curse. I started getting them when i was 15 and at 56 only a few years ago found relief. I only saw a doctor when I was well enough to go. I don't know whether it was independence or ignorance that made me soldier on. I thought this was just my lot in life.It wasn't until I developed another pain syndrome which feeds on pain that I had to do something to stop migraine. I hope you are able soon toi prevent yours. I suggest you google "migraine B2" for a double blind Berlin study which one of my specialists told me about. I take this now in a lower dose than suggested and as part of a multi B which is recommended. I was also told to sip dark grape juice when I have a headache, which is rare thankfully.I always have some in the freezer. If interested I suggest you print out the research info and show to your doctor. Controlling migraine has made a huge difference to my quality of life.
jeisea
Diana,
Thank you for your honesty. Losing our identity is indeed a struggle we all must face with this and other diseases not unlike our own. Whether lawyer, doctor, teacher, mom, pastor, scientist, etc... we all have an identity.
And then illness strikes - and THAT engulf us, consumes us and we become that disease; until we relearn how to cope.
You are becoming a lawyer again! Yeah!!! You are coping. Hurray, for you, Diana.
Beautifully written and I can relate to you 100%. I am still able to work, but there are days I wonder how long that will be an option. I am learning to redefine myself in terms of this disease, and in terms of just being me. Looking inside instead of outside. Its weird, but slowly, slowly, it seems to be working.
Thank you for this post.
It's tough to be an overachiever and chronically ill at the same time. My greatest fear is that my migraines will get worse and worse until I can't hold down a job. It's nice to read your frank assessment of what this means.
You know, I keep two blogs, one about migraine and one about everything else in my life. For me it's important to be able to put migraine into a little box and not let it define everything about me. Sounds like you're working on that, too. Good luck to you.
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