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My close-knit group of virtual friends and I have discussed the reality that some people aren't who they say they are online.
We're been parts of larger communities where people have perpetrated that fraud, pedaling their (fake) sob stories or fantastic (fake) lives for as much attention as they could garner, some people even going so far as to fake death for the outpouring of sympathy.
But what about the relationships I've built through this blog and through migraine support forums? That's a stickier question. When I ran into a random site one night recently I started thinking about it and couldn't stop.
This is the site: Crush
Don't ask me why I spent so much time on it because I don't even know. I guess their story kind of sucked me in and I had to keep reading.
At first I kept wondering how they could put themselves out there like that given the very real possibility the boy's mother would sue them for defamation (libel or slander). (Forgive me. I'm a legal geek at heart and First Amendment issues have always been one of my special passions.)
Right as I was finishing up my visit to the site, I read a comment by the site's author about her concern that some people with the same problem their grandson's mother has (Munchausen by Proxy) use the internet to garner attention for their situation.
I have known some of the people in my close group of online friends for more than five years now and had the privilege of meeting one of them in real life (IRL) so far. I trust them with things I only admit to myself, and they help me face things I would sometimes rather ignore.
We help each other through relationship problems, kid problems, fertility problems, lost jobs, even, unthinkably, losing children. They support me in ways I could never have thought possible.
I rely on them almost every day for help making decisions big (should I try botox) and small (what to have for dinner), and they make me laugh so hard all the time. They rock. No two ways about it.
I also have the fortune of interacting with people I've come to know through this blog and a couple of my favorite support sites for migraineurs.
These are some amazingly strong, brave, resilient women. Anyone who reaches out for support is welcomed into the fold. This is a beautiful thing in so many ways and a large part of why these communities are so special to me.
Unfortunately, it occurs to me that this opens us all up to the possibility (reality?) that we might be played for fools any old time it strikes the fancy of a profoundly lonely or disturbed person.
The nature of illness is inherently isolating. It scares you, takes you away from everything you thought you knew, tumbles you until you're so dizzy you could vomit and spits you back out into the world, dazed and grasping for anything to help you hold on.
I worry that in our eagerness to interact with others who share our experiences we could be unknowingly feeding someone else's mental disturbance, thinking we're offering support to a kindred spirit.
At this point I'm still left with lots of questions. It will take time for me to think through them and, perhaps, come to some conclusions. Among the questions: Does it really matter? What does it change if you learn someone you have leaned on or extended support to is a malingerer or liar? Will it erode that feeling of camaraderie and common purpose you feel with others sharing your struggle?
Have you ever doubted an online friend or had a bad experience? How did it make you feel? What, if anything, did you do or say?
Technorati Tags: depression, migraines, chronic illness, health, somebody heal me
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Content by Diana E. Lee.
6 comments:
This is an excellent posting and awareness of the potential for someone to take advantage is a good tip for everyone. One way to verify (as much as is possible) of people with whom one interacts on blogs is to check their google ID and see where they blog (if they do). Someone who is interested in interacting and both providing and receiving support will go to more than one place for information and support. As you visit blogs of people in the support community (those who post comments on your and other blogs) you'll begin to recognized the same names.
The process of developing friendships online is the same as IRL (in real life). Don't disclose too much at first. Let the relationship develop slowly and as we learn more about people in the support network, we can disclose more of ourselves if we wish.
Sher
Diana, So eloquently put, and I'm really interested to see what some of your other readers will say. I had to make my own choice, and still worry about the personal consequences.
I know someone IRL who has psychogenic and other mental issues. This person has been around for years. I've been told privately that they have a few other issues with needing that attention, and now an ill spouse is a reason to draw attention to themselves as well. It's a daily battle to know someone like this. It's exhausting. Truly exhausting. 2am phone calls that last for hours, and alarming pleas for help because they're loved one is dieing, but they're not. Trips to the doctor for illness the doctor can't find. That really leaves the question...What to do?
Personally, I had to make that choice to accept people as they present themselves. I cannot judge anyone because I only know what they want me to know. The same is true in real life. My conscience dictates that I would rather be naive in my acceptance, than judge someone and hurt them because I was wrong. Will I be played for a fool someday? Probably. Will I be judged myself for my position of compassion? Probably. Accepting someone and listening to them doesn't mean taking them on as your responsibility tho.
I'm still new at this. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. I guess I'll learn as I go along. In the end, I would rather be faulted for being open, than being closed to someone's suffering. How many Migraineurs reading your post have been falsely accused and judged as drug seekers or malingerers? That can change a person forever. It happens every day.
One last thing to consider: Though difficult to know personally, the mentally ill particularly deserve compassion don't they?
Oh heavens yes, I've been duped. I'm not ashamed to say so because exposing this kind of person can protect others.
They're certainly slick. Their concept is "good for me or bad for me" rather than "right or wrong".
So, that's one of the first things I consider when determining whether a person is after real help or not. What's in it for them if they get good advice or don't? And are they asking for money in any manner?
My internet motto? "You never really know someone you don't know."
All of the comments above were terrific and gave me more to think about than your post already had. I think the "danger" of an on-line friendship (and I'm using the quotes on purpose) is that may never know who you are really dealing with. I too have met some wonderful people on line who have become friends IRL, as you mentioned, but I have come across some weirdos, drama queens and nuts. I think it's true in real life as well, except we usually figure it out more quickly.
Trust your gut, if someone seems "off" perhaps you don't give them as much time or attention. Most people will move on to someone else if they don't get what they want from you. I have learned that I cannot be anyone's savior or only support. I have enough to deal with on my own, so I don't put myself in a position where people could take advantage easily. That being said, if I offer support, comfort or encouragement to someone who is faking or needy or what have you, it isn't the end of the world. As most of your comments mentioned, compassion is never a bad thing and better to be too nice than a jerk!
Thanks for a wonderful post. It is something I have talked about with people for a long time. The anonymity of the internet sometimes leads us to believe that we are safe disclosing such personal things. We all need to be aware that nothing is truly private if we post it to the web.
Thank you all for your insightful comments. You have all given me even more food for thought, which I sincerely appreciate.
Diana
Diana this is so interesting - I was chatting with a friend on Facebook about this very issue just the other day. In some ways, we are safer from the people we encounter on line than the ones we know in real life as long as we haven't given access to phone numbers and physical addresses! People with serious attention-seeking psychological problems who can actually get to you at your house are obviously a bigger problem than the ones on line. Certainly we do need to exercise caution, and I am, like you, rather staggered by the legal implications as well! But I am also so incredibly grateful for the on-line community I have found - it has profoundly changed my life, and for the better.
- Megan
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