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When you're living with a chronic illness and all the accompanying unknowns you start to dread simple questions other people take for granted like "How are you?"
I know it's just a social courtesy and that most people don't even really care how you respond, but when you're chronically ill it's hard to know how to answer. I want to say I'm good if I'm in a good mood, but somehow that seems disingenuous when I'm dealing with health problems and pain. It feels like a complete oversimplification of what's going on with me.
I've settled on answering that I'm okay. This way I am communicating that I'm not in active distress, but that I could be better. I'm almost never feeling good and to be perfectly honest I don't feel like faking it anymore.
How do you handle it when someone asks how you're doing? Does it bother you to gloss over your challenges and answer that you're doing well?
Technorati Tags: depression, migraines, chronic illness, health, somebody heal me
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Content by Diana E. Lee.
7 comments:
I use to get really aggravated by myself, forcing the 'fine' answer when I clearly wasn't.
But I found the more often I responded with any other answer there was always a follow-up asking me for further explanation.
After 12 years, most everyone I know, know's that I'm not fine, or that I'm at least in pain. So while they accept the answer I give,they know I'm lying.
But it's just easier that way.
Yeah, I kind of hate that question. Almost as much as the 'what do you do?' question.
My reply is almost always 'I'm okay'. If I'm particularly bad I sometimes say 'I've been better' -- the first couple years I would just say good, doing good, whatever. When really I was (and am) in all kinds of pain. But I also don't usually don't want to talk about it. I'm not looking for another reason to discuss my pain. So I just want to move the conversation along, onto other things.
Saying 'I'm okay' seems to hit that middle ground for me of not being disingenuous but also not being SO honest with acquaintances.
What should someone ask? Isn't it rude *not* to inquire?
Sometimes I think it's what's unseen that adds the pressure to reveal. If I walk with a cane there's an unsaid communication - "I do things differently" it might be slower or more deliberately or with pain. But one look at the cane and you know somethings up. Right?
With chronic invisible experiences nothing telegraphs "different" - and we try to say it in our answer.
Often, I say that "it's a good day" or "happy I made it" or something else that is honest but not maudlin. Jus a cue that for me things are a little "different."
I try for middle ground - I blogged about this a while ago - a lot of us were using "AWAP" for "as well as possible." AWAP is a little bit like saying "not bad considering..." or "I've had worse days." I had to train my parents that "okay" is good. "Okay" is a helluva lot better than not okay! It's a tough one though. I think sometimes you can tell from someone's tone of voice whether it's an empty social question or whether they really want an update.
I go for something like, "Oh, muddling through!" in as light a tone as I can muster in those circumstances. I usually don't want to put to much effort into a question that is 99% of the time just a social nicety, but I usually don't want to answer with, "I'm fine."
It is a dilemma, especially since I now have a better handle on preventing my migraines. No migraine, no problem, ask away.
If I have a Migraine, WHO ARE YOU? AND WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE? AND THE WORLD CAN DIE DIE DIE!!!
Uh, sorry. But I get a little moody when I am under.
As a side note, my mother-in-law (I am blessed with a great mother-in-law. No jokes about her ever from me!) is in late stage Alzheimer's. She can not speak or walk or feed herself. She is a shell of the wonderful woman she used to be. Yet my own mom asks constantly how she is doing, any improvement? No, mom. She is still a potted plant. Thanks for asking.
Hope all is well. And, by the way, I feel great today!
Bobblehead
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