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I've had the message that I'm lazy and absolutely must start keeping the house clean running on a track in my mind for months. Never mind that I'm completely unable to work and receiving Social Security benefits. Why let logic get in the way of abusing myself, right?
The running thought that if only I tried harder I could get more done around here became louder and louder and louder. This week the message finally became so impossible to ignore that I forced myself to clean well beyond what I know are my legitimate limits.
Now I'm sitting here feeling awful. The migraine I treated earlier has returned. I'm still suffering the lingering side effects of the medication I took to treat it this morning, and I'm in terrible pain again, too.
Why in the world do I do this to myself? I want a clean house. I want to make things easier for my husband. I don't feel like we can really afford a housekeeper. I need help, but I don't know how to make that happen. If anyone else told me she did this to herself I would be so sad and remind her she isn't lazy. She's sick. But it's hard for me to say that to myself.
I seem to have a pattern of doing this to myself. I push myself so far that I'm forced to stop and realize that spending most of my time taking it easy is not a choice. I absolutely cannot push myself like I used to love to do. I wish I could say I've learned my lesson for good this time, but somehow I don't think I probably have.
Technorati Tags: depression, migraines, chronic illness, health, somebody heal me
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Content by Diana E. Lee.DISCLAIMER: Nothing on this site constitutes medical or legal advice. I am a patient who is engaged and educated and enjoys sharing my experiences and news about migraines, pain and depression. Please consult your own health care providers for advice on your unique situation.
6 comments:
I completely (beyond completely) understand what you're saying here. This is how invisible illness has a way of tricking even us - the ones living with it, trying to convince everyone else what we have is real even though they can't see it.
It's like we completely understand why we are the way we are, but because we appear normal on the outside it's still hard for us to accept that we can't have that home-cooked meal waiting for our loved ones, or a clean, uncluttered house (my grandmother's house was immaculate but it wasn't filled with happiness - what's more important?!).
So I'm right there with you, and hoping this post is a gentle reminder to be kinder to ourselves, knowing we do what we can when we can, and not to beat ourselves up when we cannot.
Diane, I left a rather long comment that was not accepted. Is there anyway to transfer it on here?
I can't figure out how to get it to you.
Thanks Marlene
msylvester227@yahoo.com
Jasmine, I love what you said about having a happy home. You're so right on about that. Having a messy home sometimes causes us stress, but over all we really enjoy what little time we have together, and I appreciate that so much.
Marlene, please feel free to e-mail me at SOMEBODYHEALME at DIANALEE dot NET with your thoughts or try posting your response again.
reading your post was like reading about myself....i just did this three days ago...i woke up feeling pretty good...so i thought i would vacuum the whole 3 bedroom house...do the dishes and put them up....clean my husbands bathroom and go to the store...and yes i got a migraine that lasted for two days total...i sometimes ask myself what was i thinking...i keep forgeting who i really am and that i am not like other people...man..do i understand you....:)
Diana - I really related to this - thought I had left a comment, maybe it didn't go through - anyway you inspired my newsletter this month!
I despair of my house ever being even close to the way I would want it to be. But if I can take care of myself, I have to believe that somehow it will all be all right!
- Megan
You're not alone. I push myself constantly and overdo it regularly. I have a very strong sense of responsibility that was drilled into me from childhood. Doing things for the family was one way of showing each other how much we loved them. Plus, there are things that have to be done/animals to care for, that I have to do because my brother works. It's very difficult to turn off the responsible voice when I'm not having too bad of a day, when my migraine and associated symptoms aren't that bad. Of course, the not too bad day can turn into a bad day rather quickly.
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