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Selena at Oh My Aches & Pains is hosting the Patients for a Moment Blog Carnival and asks:
Ah, February! Valentine's Day will soon be here and love is in the air. Or is it, if you are a patient for a moment? Is love still in your vocabulary or has it been replaced by other four letter words?
While love is absolutely still in my vocabulary, the four letter word that most seems to define my life now is lost. At present I'm unable to work or start a family, two things I always assumed would be huge parts of my life at 32. Wanting both and not knowing when, if ever, I'll have them has left me feeling directionless and purposeless.
Each day I come a tiny bit closer to accepting that I may never be able to practice law again. But what will my days look like for the next 50 years if that is the case? How will I challenge my mind? Where will I get the thrill and sense of accomplishment I once achieved through my work? How will I make a meaningful contribution to the world and make good use of all the knowledge I've been entrusted with?
I have been able to occasionally provide legal advice on an informal basis, and I do get a great deal of satisfaction from my work here on Somebody Heal Me. But it's not the same. I don't feel vital or important. I miss feeling like I make a contribution to worthwhile endeavors. I know it's possible to draw a new map for yourself when you've been thrown off course because other people do it all the time. I just don't have any idea what *my* map should look like. If I can't have what I want I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied with the meager alternatives.
Technorati Tags: depression, migraines, chronic illness, health, somebody heal me
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Content by Diana E. Lee.DISCLAIMER: Nothing on this site constitutes medical or legal advice. I am a patient who is engaged and educated and enjoys sharing my experiences and news about migraines, pain and depression. Please consult your own health care providers for advice on your unique situation.
6 comments:
Diana Lee:
At my age, I have had to reinvent myself more than once.
I look at it as a puzzle. Define what you love about what you can't do anymore.
Look for similar elements or peripheral items that seem to spin off from that former "center of your universe" and incorporate new interests you have found or problems you think need fixing.
You will find your way to broader horizons and new challenges that both interest and challenge you. You might find life taking a path you never would have seen before your illness.
I always say I'm stubborn about change until God finally kicks me in the butt and says "CHANGE!" in a big loud God way that you can't mistake. It has never been for the worse. Just wish I listened better to God because those butt kicks hurt! :)
Diana,
You are an amazing woman. I know that because you choose to be real and vital every day here on the blog. I know that's not the end of your road; your journey has just started.
It will all come together for you; it will be clear when you calm your heart and let yourself be who you are. Your post had me in tears because I understand so much how you feel.
Just keep going. You have an important role right now even though you don't think you do.
Peace,
Kellie
I feel your pain! Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue have taken my social work career away from me. I appreciate you sharing what that feels like ... and it sucks!
That said, I am confident that you will figure out a way to reinvent yourself.
:(
I know this pain all too well. I hope as the days go by you get closer to carving out a new place for yourself...it's all I try everyday although I know I haven't gotten all that far with it...
Annie
Wow, do I (unfortunately) relate to all of this. Direction-less indeed. Here's to figuring it out.
It appears there are quite a few of us in this boat...for better or worse.
My chosen career was teaching music - and otherwise what you've written applies to me, every word. I feel like I *had* my map, and I was excited about the journey. This map, this journey? I want off the pain roller coaster. I want to make my decisions based on something besides the pain.
It's hard to know what direction to go in. I have found some happiness in being able to involve music in teeny doses...Something a therapist asked me to think about and work through was this question, which has been helpful. What do I want my life to be, with or without pain?
I'm certainly not suggesting this will fix your problems. But it did help me to feel like I was a bit more in control, and help me to think about how I could manage my life and feel like I was a worthwhile human being even if the pain continues.
Hope things start looking up soon. :)
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