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When I start to think about all the things I want to do, I end up feeling like my life is on hold, waiting for some miracle to come along and make me better. There was a time when I believed I would get better. Now I'm not so sure.
I was just getting started in my career in 2003 when my migraines exploded from periodic to chronic. I worked really hard to get my law degree and pass the bar. But shortly after I started in my dream position I became sick and instead of getting better, I seemed to become progressively worse.
I wasn't ready to have kids when this started back in 2003. But since that time I've really warmed to the idea. My baby bug is at red-alert intensity. Yet, how can I even think about trying to get pregnant when I'm sick all the time? Worse, I have concerns about how I'll get by without the medications that do provide some relief while I'm pregnant. My current prophylactic meds are not perfect, but they make my situation more tolerable. Adoption may be an option for us, but I want to enjoy being a parent and give as much of myself to my children as possible. I don't know how I'll be able to do that feeling the way I do.
Since the time my migraines became chronic my depression has become just about unmanageable. It's a constant battle to keep my head above water, and more days than not I fail to keep up with the basic functions of day to day life. To add insult to injury, I was diagnosed with diabetes and polycystic ovary syndrome in January 2008, creating another layer of complications for the decision of when to start a family.
I've seen many doctors and tried every medication and treatment under the sun. Some things have helped me cope, others have made me much worse. It's frustrating to feel like you've done all the right things and have nothing to show for it. I've always believed that if I followed the rules and tried hard things would fall into place. Managing your health is just not like that.
I try to think more about the ways my life is better than worse, but it's incredibly hard not to dwell on everything I've lost and not knowing if I'll ever have the life I wanted. Interacting with other chronic babes and migraineurs helps a lot. Writing here keeps me moving forward and gives me something to focus on that challenges my mind and makes me feel good about myself. I just want so much more.
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Content by Diana E. Lee.DISCLAIMER: Nothing on this site constitutes medical or legal advice. I am a patient who is engaged and educated and enjoys sharing my experiences and news about migraines, pain and depression. Please consult your own health care providers for advice on your unique situation.
9 comments:
Although my migraines are not nearly as bad as yours, I have some of the same feelings about family and the future. It really blows any notion of Karma right out of the water for me. So now I go with the theory that sooner or later something's gotta give.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I feel the same way. Though on the baby issue I'm backwards to you. Before my headache I was thinking about having a child and DH wasn't sure. Since the headache I can only be thankful that I don't have to worry about taking care of a baby. Half the time I feel like I can't take care of myself.
You are right to want so much more, and somehow I know you will attain it!
There is situational depression and brain chemical depression. I imagine it is so much worse to if you have both combined. I bottom out every so often (situational depression) but have the genetic advantage of natually "up" brain chemicals, so I bounce back pretty quickly, even from having cancer, The Headache from Hell, etc... I don't know how I would have coped if my bouncy ball brain had gone flat and refused to bounce up again.
I look forward to your insight and your information with each post. You have made a positive influence in my life, and those of many others.
When I think of a law degree, I can think of other things you can do with it. My uncle was a real estate lawyer - never went into a court room except when he had to fix a title, set his own hours and made a fortune in a non-confrontational way (he discovered early on he was not made to be a judge or a trial lawyer). Insurance companies like BCBS have part time lawyers on staff just to vet patient letters etc. for legal issues. That is a valuable degree and license and I am sure you will be able to leverage it somehow, even if just a couple of months on your ticket to work to see how it goes....
I keep wanting to write a post about how, before I fell ill, at every family gathering it was, "When are YOU gonna have a baby?" and "It's your turn next!" Now, if it comes up, they say, "Oh, I don't know how you would care for a baby. Don't have any kids until you are better."
What if I'm never better?
"..."
Like I said, I keep trying to write it, but I get to about this point and start feeling very, very sad.
Anyway, thanks for writing this. Adjusting to our new reality SUCKS and it's nice to know we're not alone.
It's not quite the same, Stephanie, but my mom once made a comment about me not being able to take care of a dog if I got one that absolutely crushed me. It hurt so bad. :(
Thanks for all the thoughts. It helps to know I'm not alone in having these feelings.
I am also right there with you. Unfortunately. And I still feel (5+ years in) that this is just a stopover until I get back on my *real* journey. I want to get back to my real life, and not this holding pattern of pain I find myself in.
Great entry. I hope you (and all of us) can find some measure of peace.
I cried reading your post, Diana. My heart goes out to you. I grieve with you. My career took a similar path yours did. I got my masters in speech language pathology, got my dream job and then a couple years in had to quit because of my health. And lately, I've had so much sorrow that I am not in a position to take care of a child and may never be.
What struck me most is what you said, "I've always believed that if I followed the rules and tried hard things would fall into place." I think that is what a lot of people think. I know I did.
This journey is different then I thought it was going to be and I'm still unhappy about that. My hope for us is that we can find joy in our paths.
I've always been in awe of you because I know how many struggles you have physically and yet here you are blogging away and sharing with us. You are making a difference. Obviously there are many of us reading who can identify. Thanks for being real and being vulnerable! You said you wanted so much more. And I know what you mean. I do to. Sometimes, there is no consolation to be had.
You made *me* cry, Kelly!
Aw hon, my heart just goes out to you so hard. I'll be praying for you-- you deserve everything that you want from life and more! I recently had a professor suggest I drop out of college after my first paper was late because of a flare-up. He didn't know I was 23, had already taken a year and a half away from school, was only taking 2 classes, and didn't know if I would ever be well. Plus I'm only 4 classes away from graduation! It's hard to deal with our dreams when there's no clear prognosis... when do we wait? When do we go for it? When do we cut our losses?
I'm still in school and contacting the disabilities department in an attempt to be able to finish this semester. After that, I have no idea whether I'll be able to hold down a job, but in some ways, maybe it's good to have to take my life one day at a time.
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